REACHING FOR RECOVERY (PUTTING DOWN THE DRINK) Part 6

I let go of my drinking behaviors using AA meetings as a substitute, going to as many as four meetings on some days. I was a quick study and had no problem embracing the first three steps when I made that daily decision to turn my will over to my Higher Power. God was indeed good to me, relieving me of the compulsion to drink within the first week.

The only problem was, I turned to my primary form of medication – sex - with a vengeance. After leaving my last AA meeting of the day at 11 PM, I was off on the cruising circuit. I would drive to those parks or pornographic bookstores where I would lose both myself and lose sleep as I acted out my pain through sexual oblivion, usually with multiple partners. Still, that did not fill up the empty hole of need that only God could fill.

Even so, I followed the suggestions that were offered by the program as if my life depended upon it. I truly believed that I would not have lived out the year had I continued my final binge with alcohol. Normally, same-sex sponsors are recommended; however, I heard a wise person say, “when picking a sponsor, one should consider that there are actually six sexes.” As a gay man, this made sense to me. Consequently, I eventually picked an older lesbian whose long-term sobriety I admired to be my sponsor.

In the meantime, I had asked another gay man to serve as temporary sponsor. I felt safe with him. His gentle manner reminded me so much of my conception of Jesus. As it turned out, I used them both as sponsors, calling on them along with others in the program every day. This became my lifeline to sanity and there was nothing I wanted more than that!

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

Reaching for Recovery (Putting Down the Drink) Part 5

The story of how I finally accepted my alcohol problem was a spiritual one. I had finally realized I had a problem with alcohol once my partner left me. I stopped drinking cold turkey for a long weekend during which he had come back to visit. What I hadn't realized was that I would need help in order to stay sober.

After my partner left, I went to the refrigerator to get some leftovers to warm up. I had promised myself that I wouldn't drink, but I saw a single Budweiser bottle and I thought to myself that one beer wouldn't hurt. That beer took the edge off. That's when I spotted the leftover bottle of gin which I thought I might as well drink as long as I was quitting booze.

The thing is, I wanted more and I started to feel desperate. I didn't think I had any other alcohol in the house. Then I remembered a bottle of Tequila that someone had had the nerve to give us after a trip to Mexico. I hated Tequila, but I thought it might be tasty mixed with Lemonade; so I proceeded to drink the entire contents.

As I was drinking, I started to become melancholy; and, for some reason, I decided to call my partner's former lover who was then living in Atlanta. He was very patient and kind as I proceeded with a drunken apology for having stolen his lover some eight years ago. He told me that he forgave me and that I didn't need to beat myself up. I couldn't understand what he was talking about, but the tone of his voice and his forgiving attitude was very soothing to me.

Perhaps I was aware that he was in recovery from alcohol abuse, though it didn't enter my conscious mind at that point; however, some time later in the conversation, he asked me if I wanted help. Instead of angrily reacting with an “F---You!” I cried out, “Yes!” as I broke into sobs.

Then, somehow, all the way from Atlanta, this dear man got help to me from a local Alcoholics Anonymous clubhouse. Sometime before midnight, two fellows from AA showed up on my doorstep. They took me, wearing my leftover food on my sweater, to the clubhouse where several other members had stayed long after the last meeting of the day to help this drunk.

I don't remember what they said to me, but I do remember the kindness they demonstrated as they talked with me over coffee. I also realized that they knew the kind of personal hell I'd been going through and they held out the hope I desperately needed. I was given a schedule of AA meetings and I was driven home. The next morning I awoke with a hangover and called into work requesting a sick day. Then I went back to that same clubhouse at 7AM for my first AA meeting.

God was with me through that day - April 6, 1988. I ran into an old friend who came home with me and showed me the affection I desperately needed at that point. I stopped by my parents' home for a visit. They had been very concerned since I'd called them the previous night, in my drunken state, to tell them I was being taken to Alcoholics Anonymous. I went from their home to a session with my psychotherapist. Then I followed that up with my first gay AA meeting. There was so much love there among those courageous people who held out more hope for me. I realized I was finally home.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

REACHING FOR RECOVERY (PUTTING DOWN THE DRINK) Part 4

I'm not going to entertain or bore you with a long drunkalogue. As in the case of my character, Sister Mary Olga, my drinking escapades may seem to have been outrageously funny. The truth is that there was nothing funny about drinking or the effect it was having upon my life. It was also a way that I continued to escape dealing with my feelings and life's problems.

Here are some of the things that happened before I saw the light of a better way of life: I put myself and others at continuing risk as I drove in escalating drunken states. I would occasionally act out in anger at my partner when I was drunk. One time I hit him before passing out. The next morning I awoke and couldn't raise my arm out of bed. I had broken my wrist when I had hit him on his knee.

I contracted a serious and life-threatening venereal disease when I went out to a bar, got drunk, and picked up a stranger on the night of my maternal grandfather's funeral. The result was that I ended up in the hospital for a week. Fortunately I had not contracted HIV/AIDS as the doctors had suspected.

I picked up another stranger at a bar who turned out to be seriously mentally ill. He subsequently threatened to burn our house down and to kill me and my partner. The bottom line was that my quality of life became seriously compromised as it became more and more unmanageable.

After years of being able to stop drinking for periods of time, I finally went on a four month binge that was unlike anything or any binge I had experienced before. I began to drink to excess on a daily basis. It was not unusual for me to come home from work for lunch and have a few beers before returning. I would go to happy hour every day and drink until late in the evening.

Beer had become my drug of choice. I somehow felt that I could control my drunkenness better with beer than with alcohol – another practice of denial – The problem was that I was now drinking up to a case of beer per day. I had indeed become powerless over alcohol. I would not see the light until my partner of eight years left me. He was too frightened to witness what was happening to me to continue to live with me.

What I would later come to understand was that I had always been drinking to medicate a bipolar disorder. I'd never experienced a mania while I was drinking. When I was in an “up state,” I would drink like a fish. When I was depressed, I would stop drinking. I'm certain I would have had a brilliant mania during my final binge had I not been drinking. My experiences with mania were yet to come. I will discuss them in an upcoming article on recovery from mental illness.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

REACHING FOR RECOVERY (Putting Down The Drink) Part 2

I had my first cigarette when I was nine. I hated it! I had my second one when I was fifteen. It didn't taste much better, but it helped me feel better about a troubling circumstance at the time. I would remember that at a later point. I began smoking in earnest when an elderly aunt died in my arms at the time I was seventeen.


I also had my first drink when I was fifteen. It was a strong one and I got drunk. My whole personality suddenly changed. It felt wonderful to be free of inhibitions! I would later remember that too.

On isolated occasions, I would drink in secret until I could legally do so at the age of eighteen. That was also when I discovered how wonderfully freeing marijuana could be. By then I was addicted to cigarettes, though I couldn't admit to that. I figured I could quit at any time – famous last words! Alcohol was a wonderful compliment to these other now established addictions.

I felt deliciously naughty and I also began to feel as if I was more a part of the crowd. Even though I still felt insecure on the inside, I came out of my shell when I was engaged in my addictions. Unfortunately I had no real idea about who I was. Truth be told, I had simply forgotten. I mistook the the unreal feelings of freedom that my powerful new addictions could induce for the freedom of unspoiled childhood innocence .

I almost invariably became drunk whenever I had alcohol. I also became drunk quickly. That would change over time as I began to develop more and more of a tolerance for alcohol. That would also take me a long time. Such is not the case for many fledgling alcoholics. As for me, as is the case for most of us, I was medicating a mood disorder that stemmed from an inability to get in touch with feelings. It also came from an inability to accept life on life's terms.

By the time I was in college, my addictions were well-established. Even though I was a serious student during my first two years, I would party every weekend. Of course, an occasional joint or drink on a weekday night was not out of the question!

By my senior year, I relied on my academic laurels to carry me through. Fortunately I still earned excellent grades, though I was now engaging in my addictions on a regular basis. Even so, it would be years before I might suspect that I had a problem with alcohol. Then I would simply deny it until I finally reached a point where I realized I was totally powerless; that would come much later.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui