HEADING FOR THE HEART - Part 9

I studied and participated in some spiritual exercises which were designed to reveal my life's purpose. In each case I realized that I needed to tell my life story. I began to write my memoirs as I pieced together the jigsaw puzzle of a fractured life. It was so cathartic for me. I came to honestly look at all of my faults and transgressions while I was also able to validate the greater positive attributes of my unique human experience. I could see where I had grown by leaps and bounds since I had come back into recovery from sexual addiction. The question was, “What would I do next?”

Thank God! I've always a sense of humor. You sure need that in order to get by in this life! Let me tell you, I especially needed that during the twenty years when I was a social worker. That's when I developed the character of Sister Mary Olga. I did it in order to entertain a colleague of mine. I soon began to develop the other zany characters until I had created an entire cast. I'd call up my friend and I would leave her voice-mails during which I would create spontaneous outlandish and hilarious scenarios. She loved it and that gave me a lot of joy!

That's when I thought to myself, I bet I could write a book about these crazy characters! So I sat down and I wrote a book in a little over a month. The thing was, I still had more ideas...so, I wrote another. Guess what? I hadn't run out of ideas yet! Over the course of the next three years I wrote a total of eleven novels in the series and I still haven't run out of ideas!

Around the time that I was getting ready to have the first book published, I asked my mother-in-law if she would pose in a nun's habit as Sister Mary Olga on the cover of my book. You see, to me, she embodied my mental concept of what Sister Mary Olga should look like. She said, “Sure, Davis. I'll do it for you!”

Unfortunately she passed away before that could happen. As she lay on her deathbed, I said to her, “Jan, I'm going to get you on that cover one way or another!” Thanks to the marvelous illustrator for my cover, that person was able to create a nun's habit over her picture. Once that was done, I dedicated my first book to her.

Only in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become an author! Yet suddenly I began to write as if it was my full-time job during my very early retirement from social work. If you wonder what I'm doing now, I'll tell you. I'm polishing the other books in the series so that they will be fine and outrageously funny gems like the jewel of this first book that I've created. You can look forward to reading that first sequel. It's called Babes in Bucksnort..

After the second sequel, entitled Have a Heart, I travel back in time to trace Mary Olga's journey from the time she was dunked into the baptismal tank at the Bucksnort Baptist church up until she became a Catholic and later became a nun. I continue to move forward in time which has given me the opportunity to create many more delightfully zany characters as well as to trace the history of the endearing characters you'll be enjoying in this first book.


I must admit that I'm going to be leaving you hanging after the second sequel, but don't worry, I'll pick up the current story line later. I don't think I'm about to run out of ideas for a very long time! Sister Mary Olga and her friends have taken on lives of their own. That's given me a joyful sense of purpose in my own life. The beautiful thing about all of my experience has been that I have discovered I have always been heading for the heart of my being. The journey isn't over yet. The paradox is that I have already arrived at my destination That is also the truth for you!

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

HEADING FOR THE HEART - Part 8

During the summer of my illness, I had profound spiritual experiences. I had a pastor I'd never previously met tell me that I had been called for a great purpose. He told me that I had a tall, steep mountain to climb. Was he ever right!

In his presence, I once again fell backwards to the floor as, this time, I had a physical experience of Jesus' suffering upon the cross. Afterward I felt an incredible sense of peace. As that summer wore on, I experienced empathy for the alienation that Jesus felt during his final week of earthly light. This occurred during a time when people I had counted upon shunned me and judged me as insane. Indeed I took on their judgments and, once again, experienced insanity as another mania followed.

As before it was filled by spiritual experience, though this time much of that occurred before the mania. The other significant difference was that I remained purely sexually sober this time. That had been the opposite case during my previous experience those many years before. All of this experience will be included in another article about living with and recovering from mental illness. In the meantime my next article will be in a lighter vein.

During this mania, I experienced the same delusion as before. Perhaps there had been some foreshadowing. I had a complete stranger approach me one day and ask me if I was going to walk upon water. I smiled at him and told him, “Not today.”

Author Davis Aujourd'Hui

An incredible synchronicity developed within my life. I would only have to think of a person and that person would immediately call me on the phone or appear in my life at some later point on the same day. Songs on the radio spoke exactly to whatever challenge with which I was dealing. On two of my difficult days, I would walk outside into the rain only to find that the rain was falling around me. I would be bathed in a circle of light and I would remain dry.


I spent hours in daily prayer and meditation. Many of the things for which I prayed immediately came to pass. Spiritual insights would come to me as epiphanies. They were “Ah hah” moments in which it seemed as if a light bulb was going on within my brain. More importantly my soul was beginning to understand many of the mysteries of the spiritual realm.

Many of these spiritual truths will be contained within the lessons in Advanced Holiness within my future Sister Mary Olga Fortitude books. I may even write a non fiction book about them. I couldn't do justice to them within the context of an article. They are not mysteries that are unique to me. What I have discovered as I have continued my spiritual discovery is that I have subsequently come upon spiritual books in which my own previous revelations have been contained. Talk about spiritual validation!

All the while, my sexual recovery remained stable during continuing trials within my life. Life was not getting much easier for me, but I was being given strength from God to endure things of which I would never have thought it possible for me to cope with. My life continued to become an amazing adventure. Thankfully my mania came to a peaceful close. Yet my spiritual life continued to unfold.

HEADING FOR THE HEART-- Part 7

Here I was, back in recovery and just in the nick of time. Major life-changing events would begin unfolding over the course of the next one and a half years that could have shaken me to the core without support system. More importantly I had found my way back to a place of faith.

I realized that God was working a miracle within my life when he removed sexual obsession and desire from within me. More and more, I shifted my focus outward when it came to dealing with my own problems. By being of service to others and helping them with their problems, it helped me get past my own. It also awakened me more and more to my spirit and to a sense that there was a reason for everything that happened within my life and the lives of others.

As I have told you in my previous article, my recovery was not perfect. Slips happened, but they were few and far between. In the meantime, my partner was becoming more aware of the significance of my addiction and that it was not about him. Consequently he became more supportive which enhanced my sense of well-being. That was also a consequence of me becoming more honest and aligned with the values of my spirit.

I faced the deaths of my two dogs and the death of my best friend and I remained essentially sexually sober. I grieved during the final stages of my friend's illness, but I was at peace upon his passing. I was also with him when he took his last breath. I did not need to cry. I had faith that he was in a better place. It felt so spiritual to see him look me in the eyes with a sense of acceptance just prior to him taking those final breaths.

In the course of the next year, I faced my own life-threatening diagnosis, the end of a twenty-four year relationship, moving into a new home, suddenly being unable to work and coming close to death. This all happened just after starting a new relationship with a younger man.

Even so, I felt a tremendous sense of peace. Despite a lifetime of incredible emotional pain, I felt as if my life was complete. It's not that I had a death wish. I had a desire to do so much that would be of help to others. That desire was what ultimately saved me as I regained my strength and help with a lot of support from caring people. It's just that most of those who cared for me were not the friends who I would have thought to have been there.

In the case of two of the persons who helped me find healing, I hadn't even known them at the point I'd received my diagnosis. God placed people in my life at exactly the right moment in time. I can now see that He indeed had an ongoing purpose for my life. That would be for me to discover. Discover it, I did!

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

"Putting the Pieces Together" by Davis Aujourd'hui
Available in Kindle Format for .99 cents and can be purchased here !

(Putting the Pieces Together is an anthology of a gay man's journey toward self-acceptance. It is a poignant and intimate book chronicling recovery from mental illness, sexual addiction, and alcohol.)

HEADING FOR THE HEART -Part 6

Having endured debilitating depressions for over twelve years, they were now much milder in comparison once I began on the road to recovery. I would eventually realize that I needed psychiatric help once I had stopped medicating myself with booze and sex. An amazingly unimaginable and unmanageable experience with mania finally convinced me that I needed medical help.


During that mania, I had some of the most incredible experiences with synchronicity. People I would think of would appear in my life. Complete strangers would be drawn to me and say things like “We've been waiting for you. How glad we are that you are finally here!”


There was also fear and paranoia. Once again my partner left me for he feared for his own safety. My moods could become volatile and filled with rage when I was not floating on my pink cloud. Life became incredibly unmanageable. Even so, there were so many moments of sublime peace. It was as if I was alternating between an experience of heaven and hell. Most of it was good. Most of it seemed like a reality so much more real than “the normal” experience of being human. I truly realized that I was a spiritual being having a human experience.


I was finally diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and put on life-saving, sanity-saving medication that following year - I shall write about my experiences with recovery from alcoholism and mental illness in future articles. The pitfall following my mania was that I left my recovery programs in the midst of delusional paranoia.


I did not return to them because I was mortified to face people who had seen me when I had been madder than a hornet or acting holier than Thou. Isolating myself from my support system only served to punish myself. Fortunately, I did not pick up a drink again, but I went back into my sexual addiction with a vengeance.


For the next twelve years I was back in the trenches of sexual addiction. During that time, my soul withered as I began to lead a life filled with lies and deception – to myself and others. I became emotionally stunted since I was once again medicating myself with the most potent drug I had ever experienced; that was the chemistry which occurred within my brain whenever I was under the influence of the hunt for sex and the oblivion of acting out my unending desires.


You can read my story about my sexual addiction and subsequent recovery in my article entitled My Secret Shame. Fortunately I made it back to SAA unlike so many others who don't return or never make it there in the first place. Sexual addiction is rampant in our society, especially among gay men.


I was blessed. I took my recovery seriously this time. I realized that, while I didn't come back into the program in a state of despair, I had become apathetic and spiritually bankrupt. Recovery opened my eyes to my spirit in a manner that would only continue to help me climb the mountain and claim a grace that I had forgotten was always available. It was up to me to grab for it.


As I did so, amazing things began to happen. Like anything connected to spirit, there are spiritual laws operating in the universe. You do not have to believe in God. All one needs to do is to embrace the idea that there is a power in the universe that is greater than oneself. Embracing faith in God was not a difficult step for me.


What would become a challenge would be to once again embrace my relationship with Jesus. The reason for this may amaze you. You see, while I had been manic, I had was under the delusion that I was the reincarnation of Jesus; or rather that he was the reincarnation of me. After all, time as we perceive it in a linear fashion is said to be an illusion. That is something I believe to be true. It was a comfort to me that other people I have known have shared similar religious delusional experiences. In some of their experiences they also believed that they were the reincarnation of Jesus. Just like always, I was not alone.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

"Putting the Pieces Together" by Davis Aujourd'hui
Available in Kindle Format for .99 cents and can be purchased here !

(Putting the Pieces Together is an anthology of a gay man's journey toward self-acceptance. It is a poignant and intimate book chronicling recovery from mental illness, sexual addiction, and alcohol.)

HEADING FOR THE HEART - - PART 5

Having endured debilitating depressions for over twelve years, they were now much milder in comparison once I began on the road to recovery. I would eventually realize that I needed psychiatric help once I had stopped medicating myself with booze and sex. An amazingly unimaginable and unmanageable experience with mania finally convinced me that I needed medical help.

During that mania, I had some of the most incredible experiences with synchronicity. People I would think of would appear in my life. Complete strangers would be drawn to me and say things like “We've been waiting for you. How glad we are that you are finally here!”

There was also fear and paranoia. Once again my partner left me for he feared for his own safety. My moods could become volatile and filled with rage when I was not floating on my pink cloud. Life became incredibly unmanageable. Even so, there were so many moments of sublime peace. It was as if I was alternating between an experience of heaven and hell. Most of it was good. Most of it seemed like a reality so much more real than “the normal” experience of being human. I truly realized that I was a spiritual being having a human experience.

I was finally diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and put on life-saving, sanity-saving medication that following year - I shall write about my experiences with recovery from alcoholism and mental illness in future articles. The pitfall following my mania was that I left my recovery programs in the midst of delusional paranoia.


I did not return to them because I was mortified to face people who had seen me when I had been madder than a hornet or acting holier than Thou. Isolating myself from my support system only served to punish myself. Fortunately, I did not pick up a drink again, but I went back into my sexual addiction with a vengeance.

For the next twelve years I was back in the trenches of sexual addiction. During that time, my soul withered as I began to lead a life filled with lies and deception – to myself and others. I became emotionally stunted since I was once again medicating myself with the most potent drug I had ever experienced; that was the chemistry which occurred within my brain whenever I was under the influence of the hunt for sex and the oblivion of acting out my unending desires.

You can read my story about my sexual addiction and subsequent recovery in my article entitled My Secret Shame. Fortunately I made it back to SAA unlike so many others who don't return or never make it there in the first place. Sexual addiction is rampant in our society, especially among gay men.


I was blessed. I took my recovery seriously this time. I realized that, while I didn't come back into the program in a state of despair, I had become apathetic and spiritually bankrupt. Recovery opened my eyes to my spirit in a manner that would only continue to help me climb the mountain and claim a grace that I had forgotten was always available. It was up to me to grab for it.


As I did so, amazing things began to happen. Like anything connected to spirit, there are spiritual laws operating in the universe. You do not have to believe in God. All one needs to do is to embrace the idea that there is a power in the universe that is greater than oneself. Embracing faith in God was not a difficult step for me.

What would become a challenge would be to once again embrace my relationship with Jesus. The reason for this may amaze you. You see, while I had been manic, I had was under the delusion that I was the reincarnation of Jesus; or rather that he was the reincarnation of me. After all, time as we perceive it in a linear fashion is said to be an illusion. That is something I believe to be true. It was a comfort to me that other people I have known have shared similar religious delusional experiences. In some of their experiences they also believed that they were the reincarnation of Jesus. Just like always, I was not alone.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

HEADING FOR THE HEART - - Part 2

I was told that I screamed bloody murder when the minister of the Congregational Church held me up to the congregation once I had been baptized. I would later feel like screaming when I heard the stories of Jesus' crucifixion and the deaths of the early Christian martyrs. How could humans be so cruel and heartless?

I didn't understand the passages in the Old Testament of the Bible that talked about a vengeful God. That didn't seem to be like The Father to whom Jesus referred. Yet, later in life, that was the kind of God that was portrayed by some who professed to be Christian; these same Christians who would persecute me because I was gay.

So much of what I learned through religion seemed to contradict the messages of love and forgiveness that Jesus brought to us. I felt both shame along with anger and indignation. That eventually led me to leave the church. That would not happen until I was in my early twenties.

As a child, I regularly attended church and Sunday school where I soaked up the affirmation that Jesus loved me. By the time I became a teen, I looked forward to joining my church and participating in communion. The church that I attended by then was a Presbyterian Church. As much as I found comfort in my faith, the practices and sermons I heard in that church did not stir my spirit. I had no concept that what I wanted was a more expressive as well as a more personal form of spirituality that would eventually include mysticism - a personal experience of the Holy Spirit working within me.

I became active in the Youth Fellowship where I served as president. I sang in the youth choir and I wrote prayers and sermons which I delivered on Youth Sunday and at youth retreats. Little did I realize that what came through me when I wrote was my own innate spiritual understanding. I was a tiny flower whose petals had only started to glimpse the sunlight.

It would take me many years before I realized that I was indeed blossoming. In the interim, there would be much hardship and a feeling that God had forsaken me in between those times. Yet, even as I would walk in paths of darkness that led me to utter despair, I never lost hope or I wouldn't be here today.

I can now see how everything in my life and in the totality of life happens for a reason. Although much of it makes no sense, that's just the mystery of this life which has nothing to do with the heaven which I have come to learn resides within myself. I came to believe that the only true hell is that which we create within ourselves stemming from when we judge ourselves or others in unloving ways. We are all children of God and therefore we are unconditionally loved. All is forgiven because God only wants what is best for His children; so I believe!

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

HEADING FOR THE HEART--Part 1

We are all born as innocents – pure unadulterated love and joy. What happens to us as we are exposed to life in this world only serves to start our journeys back to the heart. By this, I mean that we become products of our environment. We may grow up in dysfunctional families. We may become victimized. We may find ourselves seeking to earn love instead of simply feeling we are worthy of love. We may find that we become attached to various labels such as our sex, our family identity, our social status, our race, our religion, our careers, and so on.

By the time we reach adulthood, we may not know who or what we truly are; that would simply be spirit in human form. Such was the case in my own life. After a lifetime of trying to fill myself up with people, places, and things in order to feel better, I have realized that I am the only one who can do that for myself. I have come to see that I have been on a journey back to the place from which I started. I'm on a journey back to that place of innocence. I'm on a journey where I am headed back to the heart of true love. I am and always have been a spiritual being having a human experience.

My journey has not been an easy one. While I grew up in a family who I believe loved me the best that they could, I never really felt as if I was loved for who I was. I somehow got the idea that I needed to earn love by being a “good boy.”

Neither of my parents seemed to know how to deal with feelings appropriately while I was growing up. Consequently many of my emotional needs were neglected. I can vividly remember being told that I shouldn't feel certain ways. There were a lot of confusing messages. Consequently I learned to play games with myself in order to escape uncomfortable feelings. I didn't know how to handle them.

I knew that I couldn't live up to the standard of the perennial good boy. I played prosecutor and judge in dealing out a verdict of guilty as charged. The judgment that I placed upon myself was to become a sword that would cut deeply. I didn't recognize that I was inherently good. Instead I set myself up by thinking that I needed to be perfect when that's virtually impossible for a human to be. After all, we all make mistakes. The problem was that when I failed at something, I took on the message that I was a failure. I did that to myself.

Such was my emotional life which is mirrored in the lives of most of us to greater and lesser degrees. Yet I had a part of me that experienced freedom whenever I didn't allow myself to be consumed by negative thoughts or feelings. That part of myself was my spirit. I was in touch with that when my mother read me Psalms from the Bible and told me the stories of Jesus. I loved to look at the sunlight coming through the Gentle Shepherd window at church. He looked so real and so kind. The radiance of his soul shone through. I always had a special place for him in my heart.

As a little boy, I was in touch with my spirit when my father would take me outside where I would gaze into the night sky. There he would point out the Big Dipper and the constellations while I gazed in wonder into the vastness of space. I was in awe when I saw a beautiful sunset. I was filled with a sense of freedom when I glided down a ski slope. I felt as if I was flying. Such were the times when I forgot about my problems and was at peace within my soul.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

LET YOUR SPIRIT LEAD THE WAY

Why let your ego with all of its insecurities get in the way of going with the flow? Let your spirit lead the way. It is a matter of letting go of doubt and embracing faith. Let go of fear and let love be your guiding force.

All too often in life, you allow yourself to fall into negative patterns that perpetuate themselves. What you put out, you attract. You can break the cycle. Just remember that grace is always flowing your way. It's up to you to claim it for yourself.

Practice awareness of your thoughts. Observe them without judging them. Allow yourself the freedom to choose the ones you want. Take responsibility for your life.

It all starts with your thoughts. Discard the ones that don't serve your spirit. Embrace those that enhance it. Then you will send forth rockets of desire that will manifest those things you wish to possess. Positive thoughts will bring positive results.

Now, it's time to put into practice the principles you are learning. You are not in this life alone. As you let your spirit and love be your guiding force, you will attract more of the same from others.

Do not attach any conditions. Appreciate what is and do not dwell on what has not yet manifested. It is all a matter of accepting that life and people are inherently good; so are you! Remember, the Source of your being only wants the best for you. It is up to you to believe that.

Consider the following. Will you be empowered by a particular thought or action? Will you feel “good” about it? Is it a loving one or is it based upon a selfish thought or desire? Are you following The Golden Rule which is to do to others what you would have them do unto you? If you can answer yes to the following questions, you will be coming from a place of love.

You have the choice. You can create heaven for yourselves or you can create hell. Why would anyone choose to create the latter choice? Heaven can be yours now.

What I am speaking about is leading a life based upon spirit. It does not necessarily have anything to do with religion. All you need to do is to believe in yourself and that there is a benevolent power in the universe. This power only wants the best for you. Yet it will not manifest if you don't put into practice the principles of which I am speaking.

There are only two forces operating in the universe – love and fear. It's up to you to choose. As it's been said, there is nothing to fear except fear itself. Let the power of love be yours today.

Remain aware and do no wrong. If you make an error, remember it is correctable. It simply means it's time to admit you are wrong and to forgive yourself. Practice the same love for yourself that you would extend to another. Do not be your own worst enemy.

Stay in the moment. Affirm and practice that which is positive. Always let your spirit lead the way. The results will be amazing.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

Book Series:

Book #1 "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"

Book #2 "Babes in Bucksnort"

Both are available in Paperback and Kindle Format. The Kindle Format is at a special price of $3.99

"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" by Author Davis Aujourd' Hui

My Secret Shame - Part 1

I have shared a host of addictions in my past. These would include alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addiction, codependent relationships, love addiction, tobacco addiction, compulsive shopping, workaholism, caffeine addiction, sugar addiction. The list could probably go on. That's enough for now!

Gratefully, some of these addictions such as alcohol and drug abuse are no longer issues within my life. From some others, I am seeking recovery. I may never recover from some. Fortunately there are only a few that are truly life-threatening. I keep my focus on recovery from the greater of “the evils.”

What I've come to learn is that I cannot work on all of them at once. That is what the perfectionist who lurks in my brain would like me to do. It's also a recipe for failure. I am like everyone else. I'm not perfect; I am only human.

I have once heard it said that to be human is to be addicted. I believe this to be true. It seems that it's the human condition to expect something or someone to make us happy rather than to look for happiness within ourselves. That only works for awhile until we feel the aching longing within ourselves once again. As for me, only spirit can fill that gaping hole of need.

It seems to me that so much of our unfulfilled needs come from the materially-driven society in which we live. What happened to me in my past was that I became so consumed by my wants instead of focused upon my needs. I certainly have had a tendency to try to fill myself up with things outside of myself in order to make me feel better. That's only worked for the time I had been engaged in those addictions, attachments, or compulsive behaviors. After the thrills wore off, I was just as lonely and needy as before.

It was my first and primary addiction that fueled something even more toxic. That was my secret shame which would ultimately lead me back into this addiction following more shame, emptiness, apathy, or despair. For many years I fooled myself by justifying my sexual behaviors. So many gay men were leading promiscuous lives in the 1970's and 80's. For many that ended with the fear of illness and death connected to AIDS. For many of those who survived, AIDS had become the wake up call for them to have made changes in their sexual behavior. Unfortunately that didn't work for me. I was addicted to sex.

My Secret Shame - - Part 2

I don't need to put any chemicals into my body to get high. Such is the case with any process addiction such as that of sex. As for my sexual addiction, I would experience “a high” during my sexual acting out that was more potent than any substance I'd ever put into my body. I have since learned about the altered body chemistry that's activated while under the influence of the addiction.

My sexual behavior was not a moral issue as I'd wrongly believed. I had been absolutely unable to stop my compulsive behavior even knowing that I was doing something that went against my personal values. That only increased my shame.

During that experience of powerlessness, I would often engage in behaviors that I would have never dreamed to have been possible for me. I would end up feeling so ashamed. That would only serve to drive me back into the addiction in order to try to make myself feel better. It never worked.

I would continue to engage in inappropriate and unsafe behaviors which would exacerbate my shame. As time wore on, I began to experience more and more unpleasant consequences. In addition to relationship problems, I experienced debilitating depressions and suicide attempts, sexually transmitted diseases, robbery, serious threats of bodily harm, and apprehension by law enforcement to name a few. None of that stopped me; that is, not until I hit a bottom connected to pure despair. That's when I found my way to a twelve-step recovery program named Sex Addicts Anonymous.

What I came to learn once I had come into recovery was just how devious the addiction is. As with all addictions, the behavior is simply a symptom of a deeper distress. Coming to terms with accepting my feelings and dealing with life's problems instead of running away from them would become the greatest challenge of my life.

My Secret Shame -- Part 3

As with any addiction, sexual addiction and its accompanying shame is indeed as much a physical as well as mental and spiritual disease. It had its roots in my early life. That's when I learned to cope by soothing myself with sex whenever I became troubled. That's how I survived. What was my amazing discovery was that the addiction didn't have anything to do with sex per se. I simply wanted to be loved. I just didn't know how to appropriately find that love from others or from myself.

Unfortunately my sexual soothing became very dysfunctional for me when I became an adult and tried to maintain a semblance of a healthy relationship. I didn't have the tools to do that because I discovered that I truly didn't love myself. That made it impossible for me to develop an open and honest relationship in which I could give freely of myself. What's more, I didn't even really know who I was. I'd been running from myself for all of my life.

What happened instead was that I'd developed a double life. In what seemed like my normal life, I pretended to be a well-adjusted person. I'd go through the motions of life while using my double life as a sex addict as a means with which to cope with whatever feelings were uncomfortable. By uncomfortable feelings, I'm talking about feelings such as worthlessness, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, self-pity, anger, and resentfulness to name but a few. This would translate into basically any feeling that had a negative charge to it.

I would also invariably turn to my addiction whenever I felt elated. Then I would use sex as a reward. Ultimately I didn't know how to take care of myself at an emotional level. Additionally I would find myself turning to my addiction during times when I wasn't taking adequate care of my physical self; for instance, when I was hungry, tired, or feeling sick.

I couldn't remain faithful to my short-term wife or my first male partner for any substantial period of time no matter how hard I tried. On those occasions when he learned about my behaviors, I would tearfully promise that I would never cheat on them again. Unfortunately, when it comes to addictions, promises are meant to be broken. I wrongly thought that I should be able to control my behaviors. That mistaken thought only added to my shame whenever I would slip back into lifelong behaviors which only continued to cause my partners and myself more pain.

Over the years, my behaviors became even more frequent and outrageous. Consequently my life became more and more unmanageable. Following many years of devastating and often suicidal depressions, I finally reached out for help. This came on the heels of a suicide attempt, a break up in my long-term relationship, and recovery from alcoholism during which my sexual behaviors escalated. I came to realize that I was totally out of control. For me, it became a matter of life and death. I didn't think that I would be able to survive another suicidal depression

My Secret Shame -- Part 4

I could tell you a long story about how the seeds of addiction and shame were planted in my childhood, how I suffered from some traumatic experiences, my feelings of inadequacy, my early sexual memories and behaviors which escalated once I began to explore gay sex as a young man. By that time, I had become a full blown sex addict. It would take me several more years before I could accept that fact. It would take me another decade before I came into recovery for the first time.

Perhaps I will tell you that story some day. I have indeed written my autobiography. Writing the book was an exercise in trying to piece together a very fragmented life in order to look at the light and dark sides of myself. It became a cathartic experience during which I sought to become whole. I hope to have my memoirs published at some point in the future. For now I will tell you about my experience in recovery.

As I had implied, my journey toward recovery began after I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. Within the course of the next year, I finally found the courage to seek help from Sex Addicts Anonymous also known as SAA. As crazy as it may sound, I didn't know how I would be able to explain what I perceived as my perverted behaviors to another human being. I didn't stop to consider that people in that program might have experienced behaviors that were similar to my own.

I was horribly nervous when I met with two men at a Ground Round restaurant. They shared their personal experiences of addiction with me while telling me how the program worked. I couldn't believe that I was meeting in a public place while having such a discussion. What struck me as particularly odd was that these two fellows didn't seem to have any shame in talking about their pasts during our meeting.

This was to be the meeting before the meeting. Out of respect for the other group members, prospective members were always met in a public place before the new members were allowed to attend a meeting. This served two purposes. It created a feeling of safety for the current members and it also gave the new member an idea of what was about to happen. I will never forget that day.

I arrived at the actual meeting to discover to my horror that I was the only gay man there. What only served to make matters worse were those two women in the group. I had no idea how I would ever be able to talk about my “degrading homosexual experiences” with a group of straight men and women.

I quickly learned that, while many of us engaged in different compulsive behaviors, the underlying feelings were the same for us all. I quickly formed bonds with these men and women who spoke intimately about their own experiences in a way that quickly disarmed me. I didn't know what to make the attitudes of the longer-term members as they discussed their experiences. Many of them seemed to be happy. I decided that whatever they had was something I wanted for myself. I did my best to do what they told me had worked for them.

My Secret Shame - - Part 5

I got myself a sponsor and I began to work the steps. The first step was to admit that I was powerless over my addictive sexual behavior and that it had made my life unmanageable. I didn't have any problem accepting that in theory. Even so, it was difficult to let go of an addiction that had, at one point, been my friend.

I began to focus on staying abstinent from toxic and inappropriate behaviors one day at a time. During many points, I had to cut that down to an hour or even a minute at a time. Sometimes I simply felt as if I was coming out of my skin. Whenever I could put together a few days or weeks of abstinence, I would feel as if God had worked a miracle within my life.

Then I would find myself allowing myself to fall back into the addiction. Recovery wasn't going to be easy and no one made that promise to me. Even so, I kept going to meetings. I felt as if my emotional life depended upon it. Truth be told, I always felt better after I'd gone to a meeting even though it often felt like pulling teeth in order to get myself to attend in the first place.

Within a few months, I gave a formal first step presentation to the group. I talked intimately and honestly about my sexual behaviors and how they had made my life unmanageable. It truly helped me understand how powerless I was over the addiction at that point in my recovery.

I felt a tremendous weight lifted off me following my presentation. I was told by the other members that they loved me and could relate to my experience. They told me how honored they were that I honestly shared my story with them. It was such a cathartic experience as years of shame seemed to melt away.

Unfortunately, as is often the case with newly recovering people, I went out of the program a year and a half later during a difficult period in my life. The subsequent shame of not coming back only kept me away that much longer.

I went back into my addiction with a sense of sad resignation. I became apathetic and managed to let go of my guilt toward cheating on my partner since we had stopped becoming sexual with each other. I rationalized my outside sexual behaviors as acceptable since I deserved to have sex.

Truth be told, I was the one who had stopped that part of our relationship. Unable to allow or know what intimacy was, I preferred to have sex with others. It would be a long time before another bottom finally brought me back into recovery. That happened twelve years later.

My Secret Shame -- - Part 6

I was back in the trenches of addiction as I continued my “field research.” What did I find that was different? The answer was nothing! The addiction only continued to escalate as I became more and more out of control. On some days, I would have sex with ten or more partners. It was such an easy thing to do in those places where both gay and straight men sought to have sex with other men.

I practiced unsafe sex almost exclusively as I continued to put myself at risk of HIV infection. Having not acquired it, I was under the delusion that I was invulnerable. The truth is that no one is. At some level, I must not have cared if I remained alive. Addiction is a terminal illness for those who continue to pursue it with all its inherent risks. How I managed to survive only spoke to one truth. I remained alive in order to tell my story.

My symptoms of active mental illness were now being controlled by medication after I had finally been properly diagnosed. That's another story I will share with you in another article - I'm sharing these different aspects of my life with you in a piecemeal fashion in order for you to absorb them according to each subject. Otherwise you would need to read a long book. The larger story will be told another time and in another way.

After twelve years of slowly destroying my spirit and my relationship of over twenty years, my partner confronted me. He'd found a bottle of Viagra which I had come to need in order to sexually perform - My guilt and shame had had a psychological effect with which I had needed physical help. He gave me an ultimatum. I could either go to couple's therapy or my partner said he would leave me. I felt trapped, but I didn't want to lose the relationship that I had thought would last me for the rest of my life.

My Secret Shame - - Part 7

Kicking and screaming on the inside, off to therapy with him I went. As soon as I got there, I realized I would need to work on the addiction. The only thing that made sense to me was to go back to SAA. I also realized that the only way that the program would work for me would be if I was to do it for myself. To do it in order to save the relationship would hopefully be the end result. Only time would tell.

I also realized I would need to do personal therapy in order to deal with “the demons” of my past. Shame haunted me from the core and it had infected me from so many sources. These would include: childhood sexual and emotional trauma; the thought that I needed to please others in order to earn their love; and my other secret childhood shame that I might be gay and therefore unworthy of love from my family or even from God.

I returned to SAA filled with shame, though I was quickly reminded that I was no different than any of the other members. I was only doing what had become an ingrained pattern. I was only seeking to survive my pain. Yet, once again, I was reminded that there was another and better way. They loved until I learned to love myself and give that unconditional love to others.

I worked the program with a diligence. I attended four to five meetings per week. I obtained a sponsor and I practiced abstinence from my toxic sexual behaviors one day at a time. I couldn't possibly imagine myself being free for a lifetime after so many years of being in bondage to lust. Practicing freedom in small doses made my life more manageable and helped free me from perfectionist thinking. That would remain a challenge for me as is still the case.

I learned to recognize and deal with my feelings in a healthy way. I stayed connected with others as I sought to end a lifetime of isolation from people and from God. I immediately found that I was freed from compulsive behavior, though I would mistakenly test the waters again. As time went on, I was able to put together longer and longer pieces of sexual sobriety. It was a daily challenge and I was gaining more and more hope and faith as I went along.

I looked to a Higher Power that only loved and who had no judgment. I experienced God's presence and His voice through the other members of my program. I began to feel worthy of that love as I learned to love and trust myself. I also began to trust God because He was doing for me what I could not do for myself.