THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR PART 6

I thought that I had burst out of the closet, but internalized homophobia is an insidious thing. It's all too easy to take on the negative judgments of others in this often bigoted society within which we live. I had come a long way, but I still felt uncomfortable letting my new coworkers know that I was gay; that is, until I got to know them much better.

The other part of my self-loathing came from my secret shame. Although I had pledged to be monogamous to my new partner, my old sneaky behaviors would soon surface. Lies and deception would only serve to sweep me under a dark current of despair. It would be the fodder for bouts of often suicidal depressions that would consume me over the next seven years until I finally put down the drink.

One of the most liberating experiences in our early relationship was attending our first Gay Pride parade in New York City. Along with half a million other gay men and lesbians, we walked down the streets of Manhattan holding hands. My spirit soared and, for that moment in time, I felt free.

My partner was a social worker and I soon joined the ranks of human services. That became one more thing we had in common. What neither of us realized was that we had been defining ourselves through exterior things such as our occupations, our sexualities, and the opinions of others. That especially translated to our opinions of each other.


I was making myself into what I thought he would want me to be. The confounding part was that I couldn't let go of my sexual addiction. What I have come to learn is that the basis for all addictions is codependency. Codependent was indeed what my partner and I were with one another. To the outside world and our ever-increasing circle of gay friends, we seemed like the ideal couple.


Life was good most of the time, but each of us was becoming increasingly dependent upon alcohol in addition to each other. We spent most of our time together. It felt nice, but it would become a set up for resentments later on. We spent our time together and with friends, but we didn't pursue individual outside interests.


Dysfunctional though we were, we seemed to be happy. It may not have been everything, but it was enough to sustain us. After all, we were on an uncharted journey toward unknown destinations. We were simply travelers on the sea of life. Thank God, we both had a willingness to explore what life was meant to be!


Books and Kindles by Author David Aujourd hui (these two below are at a special price on Kindle for $2.99)

"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" Book 1
"Babes in Bucksnort" Book 2

Part 4 Locked in the Closet

I lost my virginity to a girl when I was twenty. I had been desperate to do so since the time I had been seventeen. I thought to myself, “Better late than never.” Unfortunately it did little to stop my homosexual fantasies and longing.

I found a steady girlfriend the following year and we began an ongoing romantic and sexual relationship. I proposed to her during the following year. I wanted so very much to be normal and to marry. I believed that I loved her. I hoped that, by marrying her, it would put my curse to bed for good. That was not to be.

I had graduated from college the year before I proposed. I went away to grad school, leaving my girlfriend who was still in college behind. We would have occasional reunions. Yet, while I was living on my own for the first time, my longings for sex with men became incredible cravings. I thought as if I was coming out of my skin.

I met a homosexual when I had been looking for an apartment. He told me he didn't want me as a roommate because he didn't want one who was gay. I was flabbergasted! How could he have possibly known? He planted a seed when he suggestively said, “Give me a call when you move into your own place and we can get together.”

When I moved to my new apartment, I often thought about calling him. Many times I would pick up the phone and dial the number only to slam the phone down before the call went through. I was in a panic and I didn't know what to do. I felt dirty and ashamed. I just wanted to die.

Within a month, I was desperate and horribly depressed. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork. I felt like a failure. I began to think that the only way out would be to end my life. Fortunately I reached out for help from a counselor. Afterward I made the decision to drop out of school.

With my head hung in shame, I packed up my apartment and headed to my parents' home. I felt like my life was over, but I felt safer now that I was away from temptation. The only thing that I thought would save me from a fate worse than death would be to get married. The other fate to which I referred would be to live my life as a homosexual.

Author Davis Aujourd'Hui


Sister Mary Olga Book Series:

"The Misadventures  of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)