Part 5 -Locked in the Closet

I moved back to my college town and found a wonderful job working for a college textbook publisher. I moved into a happy apartment in the country and I began a brilliant career and what I thought would be a contented life. I medicated my anxieties by my increasing dependence upon alcohol and marijuana.

I proposed to my girlfriend in the spring. The timing was incredible. Just a few weeks later I had my first sexual encounter with another man. It would happen under tawdry circumstances which only continued to fuel my shame. It happened in a public bathroom.

A toxic bond was formed. I discovered that this bathroom was an easy place in which to find men interested in having sex with other men. I would return there often where I acted out my secret shame before returning to my so-called normal life. I was beginning to lead what would become an increasingly double life.

That summer, while my fiance returned to her parents' home, I met a young man with whom I began an affair. Never having realized that I could have romantic feelings toward another man had become an eye-opener. It would become the key that would eventually free me from my locked closet. In a little less than a year, I would walk through it, never realizing that I would eventually be giving up the so-called normal life.

Part 4 Locked in the Closet

I lost my virginity to a girl when I was twenty. I had been desperate to do so since the time I had been seventeen. I thought to myself, “Better late than never.” Unfortunately it did little to stop my homosexual fantasies and longing.

I found a steady girlfriend the following year and we began an ongoing romantic and sexual relationship. I proposed to her during the following year. I wanted so very much to be normal and to marry. I believed that I loved her. I hoped that, by marrying her, it would put my curse to bed for good. That was not to be.

I had graduated from college the year before I proposed. I went away to grad school, leaving my girlfriend who was still in college behind. We would have occasional reunions. Yet, while I was living on my own for the first time, my longings for sex with men became incredible cravings. I thought as if I was coming out of my skin.

I met a homosexual when I had been looking for an apartment. He told me he didn't want me as a roommate because he didn't want one who was gay. I was flabbergasted! How could he have possibly known? He planted a seed when he suggestively said, “Give me a call when you move into your own place and we can get together.”

When I moved to my new apartment, I often thought about calling him. Many times I would pick up the phone and dial the number only to slam the phone down before the call went through. I was in a panic and I didn't know what to do. I felt dirty and ashamed. I just wanted to die.

Within a month, I was desperate and horribly depressed. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork. I felt like a failure. I began to think that the only way out would be to end my life. Fortunately I reached out for help from a counselor. Afterward I made the decision to drop out of school.

With my head hung in shame, I packed up my apartment and headed to my parents' home. I felt like my life was over, but I felt safer now that I was away from temptation. The only thing that I thought would save me from a fate worse than death would be to get married. The other fate to which I referred would be to live my life as a homosexual.

Author Davis Aujourd'Hui


Sister Mary Olga Book Series:

"The Misadventures  of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)

Book Review of "Babes in Bucksnort" Reviewed By Sarah Moore

Title of Document: Book Review
Book Title: Babes in Bucksnort
Author: Davis Aujourd’hui
ISBN: 978-1-4327-4500-4
Publisher: OutskirtsPress.com
Genre and Target Market: fiction; humor; social commentary
Publication Date: 2010
Book Length in Pages: 202

Now that I have been involved in the book publishing and marketing industry for several years, I am enjoying the opportunity to review subsequent works from authors whose first offering I also had the chance to read when it was released. What a pleasure it is to watch the evolution of a writer’s vision and message. This is particularly true when the author is in the midst of creating a series of books with a common theme or that is focused on a particular set of personalities. In these instances, I get to spend more time with characters I have come to love and I get a more complete sense of what the author is intending to show the readers. Such is the case with the release of the second book in the "Sister Mary Olga Fortitude series" by Davis Aujourd’hui, "Babes in Bucksnort."

Like the book that preceded it, The "Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude", "Babes in Bucksnort" follows the antics of the diverse residents who live in Bucksnort, Wisconsin as told by the hard-drinking, chain-smoking nun whose name graces the entire series. However, while the first book was intended to introduce the readers to the large cast of characters and establish Sister Mary’s belief in tolerance and unconditional love, "Babes in Bucksnort" now takes a more focused approach to the storyline and confronts the growing prejudice against homosexuality in the town.

Becoming increasingly concerned about the infiltration of gays and lesbians in Bucksnort, Priscilla Bunhead forms a group of like-minded citizens who are determined to chase the people who they believe to be perverts out of town. Their efforts are reinforced when Reverend Billy-Bob Blunthead brings his Born Again or Burn Forever Disciples for Jesus to Bucksnort for a large rally that is meant to galvanize the supposedly moral people to save their community. As readers will discover, Billy-Bob, Priscilla, and other dispensers of harsh judgment will face a stronger and more unified opposition than they ever expected.

In this book, Aujourd’hui continues to do an excellent job of sharing social commentary through his memorable characters. Reverend Billy-Bob immediately conjures up images of television preachers who use their claim of Christianity to make a fortune from condemning others. Lilliliver Lipstick, another new character to the series and sidekick to Priscilla Bunhead, reminds me of the weak child who stands behind the playground bully and quietly watches while her fellow students are belittled and beaten. And, of course, Sister Mary Olga is still the necessary voice of kindness and reason in the middle of a wild atmosphere. I imagine in more than one instance, readers will recognize a character in "Babes in Bucksnort" as an exaggerated representation of someone they know in their own lives.

As I read both published installments in the Sister Mary Olga Fortitude series, I realized that I was enjoying the content for two distinct reasons. First, Aujourd’hui creates men, women, and children with unforgettable (and descriptive!) names and even more outrageous behavior. I appreciated the sharp humor that the author employed to this end and found great entertainment value in turning each page and discovering what these characters would do next.

But, I also enjoyed the important messages of love and acceptance that Aujourd’hui emphasizes, particularly through the teachings of Sister Mary herself. Once in a while, we all need mirrors placed in front of us to help us examine and rethink how we treat one another, and Davis Aujourd’hui accomplishes this through his writing. "Babes in Bucksnort" is a book that will make you both think and laugh, which defines a great read for me. Now, I just need to wait for book number three so that I can discover who Sister Mary will bring to task next!

"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" Book 2

"Laugh, Learn & Love" Book Review of "Babes In Bucksnort" June 11, 2010

Book Reviews of "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" and "Babes in Bucksnort"
By A Very Merry Shakespeare (NY, NY) 


This review is from: Babes in Bucksnort: Sister Mary Olga Fortitude Book 2 (Paperback)

Guys and gals - if you want to laugh out loud, and learn something at the same time, this is the book for you. Series of books, actually; the first book in this great set that I received in the mail was titled "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude". Now, Sister Mary Olga dwells at the Have a Heart convent in Bucksnort, Wisconsin. She is a true spiritual guide for everyone, and it shouldn't matter that she also has two things she loves - Marlboros and bourbon. When I began the first book, I quickly and completely fell into it and could not put it down; I was so entranced with the people on Dinkledorf Drive that I, literally, fell in love with each adn every one of them. I also was impressed at the way the author addressed many issues pertinent to the world today including religion and gay rights.


I moved on to the second book almost immediately because I was, by then, so wrapped up in these characters that I was laughing at a time when I truly needed to laugh and I wanted my happiness (and stress-relief) to continue. In the second novel, Priscilla Bunhead is one of those people that every small town in America has; she is the righteous busy body who can't stand the fact that there are atrocities in her world such as gay people infiltrating her town. She goes on a crusade, with the help of her millionaire friend, to call forth the wise and righteous Reverend Billy-Bob Blunthead. This is the man who will clean up her town and force the gay people out of her neck of the woods. Not only do we have that storyline, but the author also introduces a character called Dimples Dufus who wants nothing more than to reclaim the fortune that Dimples left behind.


The spiritual wisdom that this author and his fantastic characters impart is truly a lesson in support, kindness, and love - things that some true Christians have forgotten over time. (Yes, that's my opinion so don't send horrible letters to the owner of this site). On a side-note, when characters are named Fartley and Dewdrop Dinkledorf, Ralphy Mayhem, Lilliliver Lipstick, and Father Cowberries, how exactly can a reader go wrong? I am so happy to have been introduced to this author and his series that I really can't wait for Book III: Have a Heart, to be released. Every once in a while a writer comes along who I believe should have more press and publicity, and Mr. Aujurd'hui is the newest one to make that list. Everyone go out and get these books and enjoy!

Author Davis Aujoourd'Hui

Sister Mary Olga Book Series:
Book #1 "The Mistadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"
Book #2 "Babes in Bucksnort"

My Secret Shame -- - Part 8

My partner and I continued in couple's therapy, but I hadn't been able to let go of one relationship with a younger man with whom I had formed an attachment. I had started to fall in love with him. That part of my addiction would ultimately spell the end of what had become twenty-four years with a lifetime partner. Another problem was also looming. After years of freedom from mental illness, I began to destabilize. The eventual breakup would be accompanied by incredible unmanageability as I sought to change so many major areas of my life all at the same time.

Losing my partner was a huge emotional price to pay. I would not begin to realize how much pain was involved until the following year. In the meantime, I bought a new home and started a new relationship. Ironically it was not with the young man with whom I had fallen in love. I met someone even younger - an unlikely partner with whom I began a most unusual love story about which I will tell you in another article. Every aspect of my life was now changing.

The amazing thing is that, following multiple slips during the previous two years, I had suddenly become totally sexually sober. There was no compulsive desire or sexual obsession. I was able to give complete fidelity to another for the first time in my life. Talk about miracles!

That continued for one and a half years before I began to experience intermittent slips. I had taken my sobriety for granted. Even so, I no longer needed to live in a place of shame. I kept picking myself up and coming back to meetings. I never lost hope or faith as I continued to work my program to the best of my ability.

Although I created incredible pain for my new partner, he supported me. He realized I was dealing with an ingrained lifetime problem for which there would be no easy fix. Yet I was recovering. I began to realize a joy that I had never dreamed possible.

I learned to pursue new dreams and resurrect long-abandoned interests as I became free from what had been a daily and time-consuming obsession. I began to write my life story and, when I was done, I was ready to embark on another writing venture. This was to be the beginning of the Sister Mary Olga series.

My Secret Shame - - Part 9

A new and exciting period in my life was unfolding. As I continued to recover from sexual addiction, I was beginning a new career as an author. I began to incorporate elements of my past into my blossoming series of books about a wayward nun. The most important element of having come to look at my past more kindly was that I learned to do so with humor. I had learned how to not take myself or life so seriously.

By the time Misadventures became published, I had written nine books in the series. I completed two more books before I submitted the first sequel, Babes in Bucksnort, to my publisher. A new adventure beyond my wildest dreams was unfolding.

I had to learn to practice not projecting my concerns about the future into any area of my life. I continued to work my program of recovery with a diligence as I sought to stay grounded amidst the unfolding excitement of my career as an author. The reviews for Misadventures were ecstatic and so was I. That's a dangerous feeling for a sex addict. It made my continuing recovery more challenging.

What I learned was that I could free myself from the idea of a struggle by reframing it as a challenge. By surrendering the addiction to God, I could continue to experience prolonged periods of complete freedom from this addiction. The program was working even if I couldn't always do it perfectly.

As we all are, I am only human. I learned to let go of the notion of what I had considered to be sin and to reframe it as a correctable mistake. I learned that every mistake begins with a mistaken thought. It would become my challenge to remain aware whenever I slipped into unconscious thinking. As I did so, I began to take charge of my thoughts in order to not allow them to lead me astray. In so doing I was also letting go of my shame.

Ultimately I have learned that, while it is important to learn about my addiction and how it came to manifest, I am responsible for taking charge of my recovery. It's been hard work, but it has well been worth the effort. As is promised by twelve step programs, I am learning a new freedom and happiness. I am learning to not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I am learning that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

What remains most important for me is to stay aware. When I am living in the present moment, there's no need for me to fear. I am slowly but surely waking up to my spirit as I become more conscious of myself and my life choices. No matter what anyone's life challenge is, we are all responsible for creating our own happiness.

As I have learned, it does not come from the outside. It comes from within. It comes from maintaining a positive attitude and focusing on what I have to be grateful for. Everything that has come to pass in my life has served a purpose which has brought me to my today. Today I am truly grateful!

As we all are, I am here for a reason. It's my hope that my life example and Sister Mary Olga's lessons in Advanced Holiness will help wake up those who have walked in the shadows of despair to wake up to their joy. I believe that is all that God wants for any of us.

THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SISTER MARY OLGA SEQUEL IS OUT!

Fans of "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" have said, “We couldn't put it down! When it was all over, we wanted more. We can't wait for the next book in the series!”

Fortunately, you won't have to wait long. The sequel to Misadventures is out. Whether or not you've read Misadventures, you'll be able to dive into the deliciously zany new tales without missing a beat.. Of course, you'll undoubtedly want to back up and read the first book, so that you can find out what outrageous stories have come before. Let me tell you a little bit about the new book.

"Babes in Bucksnort" is the sequel to the highly praised "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude". Once again the unconventional bourbon-swilling, chain-smoking nun will spin outrageously funny new tales about the residents of Bucksnort, Wisconsin while she tests the will of a reformed prostitute who just happens to be her Reverend Mother.

Unfortunately there is trouble brewing in the Snortlands. The nasty and notorious town busybody, Priscilla Bunhead, goes on a crusade to stamp out what she calls the gay menace. That's when she convinces her millionaire friend, Mildred Mayflower, to give away her fortune in order to bring the Reverend Billy-Bob Blunthead and his Born Again or Burn Forever Disciples for Jesus to town to do the job. It will be an uphill climb for them as the closet doors of many gay people in the Snortlands burst open.

Billy-Bob and his wife, Pinky Poo, will have another battle on their hands when Dimples Dufus, the heiress to the Mayflower fortune, arrives on the scene. They'll also have to reckon with a mysterious woman who channels an entity who challenges the hateful and hypocritical agenda of this spokesman for Jesus.

In between the laughs, Sister Mary Olga continues to dispense nuggets of spiritual wisdom during her classes in Beginner's and Advanced Holiness. Just don't take seats near the flatulent child named Fartley Dinkledorf or his lecherous one-hundred five year-old grandfather, Poopsy. The bottom line is that everyone is welcome in Sister Mary Olga's classes. Join the diverse cast of characters for a joy-ride that will tickle your funny bone until it aches.

Look for "Babes in Bucksnort" through Amazon.com. In the meantime, I am polishing up the next books in the series. Sister Mary Olga promises to be with you for one home run after another.

HUMOR IN MY LIFE - - - Part 1

Okay, folks! I'm going to make some lemonade out of lemons. Yesterday was my birthday. It just happened to be a big one. I turned fifty-five and I'd started to come to a place of acceptance that I might now be middle-aged. It's just that I usually feel as if I am still in my thirties. Such was not the case on my birthday!

I've just crawled out of bed, having experienced a temperature of 103 degrees last night. I felt every single year of my age and then some on this birthday. I was as weak as a kitten.

Do I hear someone asking, “Where's the lemonade?”

There's a simple answer to that. After years of bemoaning the seemingly negative experiences that life can bring, I've come to realize that everything happens for a reason which is for the greater good. The challenge for me is to look for the silver lining in the dark cloud; in other words, to look for the hidden blessing. Once that can be found, it not only changes my attitude, it can lead me to look upon the experience I might have otherwise bemoaned and find some relief through humor.

Okay...I wasn't laughing last night. Truth be told, I was a pitiful mess! I slept away the afternoon only getting up to let my partner feed me a bowl of chicken soup. After a few more hours of sleep, I was rewarded with a donut and told that I was grumpy. I figured I was entitled! What a way to spend my birthday!

Today I can see through new eyes. I can even laugh at the pitiful circumstances of yesterday. Of course, it always helps to feel a bit better.

The last time I made a big deal out of my birthday was when I turned fifty. That also turned out to be the second worst birthday of my life. Yesterday ranks number three on the totem pole. Maybe I'll tell you the story about my fiftieth birthday another time. Better yet, why not now!

Here goes...The year before I turned fifty was a hairy one. I went through a number of dramatic life changes. I lost my best friend to cancer and my two beagles died. I broke up with my partner of twenty-four years, bought a new house, and took a long weekend off from work in order to move. That's not what happened. I never returned to work. I got pretty sick - sick enough to qualify for a disability retirement.

There were some beautiful things that happened. A caring new partner and his mother came into my life and took care of me when I was at my low point. I became more dependent upon God each day which opened new doors to my increasing spirituality. I also came to see that my life had a purpose; that was, to tell my story.

I decided that I would begin my memoirs at the exact moment of my birth, fifty years after the event. I did so while my partner was having a hissy fit and banging doors in the background. Perhaps he was entitled. He'd just had surgery a few days before and he wasn't feeling his best.

The way my ego saw it was that he was disrupting my big plans for my big day. Things had to be just so. I proceeded to write the foreword to my book and it still reads as some of the best writing I've ever done. I'm just grateful that I haven't needed banging doors and screaming to motivate me since then!

The day only got worse after that. I can only blame myself for that. My threatened ego continued to get in the way. After all, I'd thought, I was celebrating the fact that I'd survived the previous year. I'd made it to fifty and it seemed like a pretty big thing!

My dear parents arrived in time for the party with my mother bearing the birthday meal and cake. At the same time, my partner and I were involved in another showdown. I went to bed, feeling sorry for myself. Then an idea occurred to me. I figured I would feel better if I went to one of my twelve step meetings.

I gave my apologies to my bewildered family and I went to the meeting. I did feel much better afterward. In fact, I found myself laughing over my childish antics of the day. Fortunately my family was still at my house and there was left-over beef stroganoff and birthday cake for me. It also helped to see that they had apparently had a fine time without the birthday boy being present.

Where would any of us be without humor? The trick is to discover the humor in things that don't always seem to be funny. More and more, I'm learning to do that. I hope this will be the case for you too.


Author Davis Aujourd'hui
"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (1st of a series of books)

HUMOR IN MY LIFE - - - Part 2

Back in the days of childhood during my summers at my camp, I whiled away the hours with one of my first tender, young girlfriends. Her name was Marie and she had a deep dark brown complexion in stark contrast to my lily-white, freckled one. I only became more freckled following the lobster red sunburns I received after the two of us frolicked in the refreshing waters of our local Finger Lake in Upstate New York. Those were the days!

Even though she was one and a half years older than I, she must have thought I was an eligible prospect. One day she asked her mother if she would be marrying me some day. Her mother replied, “Honey, there are plenty of fish in the sea!” It was lucky for her that she didn't meet the fate of my first wife and only wife; namely that of marrying a very confused gay man.

Our camps were rather rustic. There was no electricity or indoor plumbing. It was reminiscent of the previous century when one would need to let go in an outdoor privy. “Okay!” would say Sister Mary Olga Fortitude. “Let's call it like it is! You're talking about a rank and rustic outhouse! Just watch out for the splinters or they might bite you in the ass!”

I giggled with delight when a mutual friend taught Marie and I an old song. It was entitled “Swinging from the Outhouse Door.” I immediately decided that would be a fun thing to do. The door of my outhouse cooperated marvelously. I could swing to and fro with freedom, though it wasn't as much fun as swinging from a hanging vine on the hill above the smelly outhouse.

I eventually came to act out a similar scenario in an updated bathroom at a later point in my life. That would just happen to take place on the night before my wedding. The last thing that I remembered at the scene of my wedding's eve party was swinging from the shower rod in the hotel bathroom. The rod broke and I fell into a tub filled with ice water and beer!

Ah...those fun and crazy times back in the days of my drinking escapades! I could and will tell you stories about the drunkalogues of my life. I'll keep it on the light side by telling you the humorous stories if you will bear in mind that I'm not trying to glorify the darker side of my budding alcoholism.

The memory of that bathtub scene only came back to me from others once I'd returned from my honeymoon. During what had been a black out, I came out as the gay man I was to several stunned members of my wedding party. Then I ran down to the hotel lobby in a frenzy of crazed drunkenness only to be dragged on my back to my hotel room.

I awoke the following morning with a tremendous hangover. Fortunately I made it to the church on time even though my best man got stuck in a traffic jam on the Connecticut turnpike. That didn't deter him from his matrimonial duties. He hopped onto the shoulder of the road and sped by the angry and amazed motorists who complied with the rules of the road. He delivered this groom to the church on time.

That didn't prove to have been necessary. True to form, my bride was as late as always...too bad for her that she didn't get cold feet. When the honeymoon was over, she discovered it wasn't so funny being married to a gay man! Sad, funny, and true!

Author Davis Aujourd'hui
"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (First book of a series of books to come!!)

Humor in my Life----Part 4 "That's My Seat"

I eventually settled down with a nice gay man. It's said that “birds of a feather flock together.” Budding alcoholics that we were, we soon began to drink like fish out of water.

Over time we would toy with the idea that we had a drinking problem. Then we would take a few days or a few weeks off from our daily happy hour routine just to reassure ourselves that we could stop. Then it would be back to the “same old, same old.” Only time would tell the whole story.

We'd been taking a “time out” when we were enjoying an evening with a lesbian couple who were friends of ours. They suggested we visit a popular lesbian bar. It sounded okay to us. After all, we'd always been curious about the place and we thought we could handle a sober night out.
We arrived at the bar and encountered a brutish butch bouncer who proclaimed, “No men are allowed!” Our friends defended us. They advised the hostile door-person that we were their friends and they were going to take us into the bar. Phew!

Being on the wagon, my partner and I ordered iced tea. We didn't seem to mind that the beverages didn't taste like any iced tea we'd ever had. As a matter of fact, they were extremely refreshing and we quickly downed them, ready for more. Of course, by that time we'd been advised that we had been served Long Island Iced Teas which were pure alcohol. Oh well, we thought. What could be the harm of a handful of drinks!

Several drinks later and feeling no pain, we took a tour of the bar, entering an area where some more butch lesbians were playing pool. We noticed a wall of empty bar stools and we awkwardly took our perches, probably a little unsteady on our feet by that time.

All of a sudden, one of the pool players started purposefully stomping her way in our direction. With her cue stick in hand, she marched toward us as if she was brandishing a sword. We shivered in our seats. The three hundred pound lesbian with salt and pepper hair, swept back in an Elvis Presley duck tail hair style, pounded her way across the reverberating floorboards as she advanced upon two very drunk and confused gay men.

Not knowing what we'd done or what to expect, she got right up in our faces so that we could see the whites within her steely blue eyes. Then she snarled, “That's my seat!”

Needless to say, we surrendered both seats promptly – so much for our tour! Little did I know that this butch number would play an intimate role in my life some twenty years later.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui
"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"

Humor in my Life - Part 5

My first summer after college, I sold encyclopedias door-to-door. It became an exercise in humility. Not too many people appreciated having their dinners interrupted by a door to door salesman.

My day would start off by meeting with the other salespersons and their respective managers. We would then be driven to small towns located anywhere within a one hundred mile radius of my hometown. An appointed pickup spot, almost always a bar, would be given to each of us - what an ideal pick up point for a budding alcoholic! Then I was off on my own with my briefcase loaded with samples, knocking on doors where I hoped to get in to give my pitch. Hours later the sales manager would pick us up and drive us back to the office.

I did make some sales, but I often fell short of my weekly quota. The days were filled with endless walking and lots of rejection, though I was usually able to get into at least one or two houses a day to give my sales pitch. The one pitfall in the workday was that I often was not picked up at the appointed time. Consequently I'd feel obligated to buy myself drinks while waiting it out at the designated bars; not that that bothered me, mind you! This was acceptable behavior to management who often would reward us with boozy parties back at the office.

One night, while peddling my wares in a neighboring county, I made a sale. The one snafu was that my prospects objected to the amount of the sales tax, stating the sales tax was lower in their county. I told them I'd have to consult with my manager about reducing it and that I would return later in the evening. As it happened, this was one of those nights when I was stranded for hours at the designated pickup spot.

I sat on my bar stool next to a very friendly, elderly Italian man who kept buying me drinks – boilermakers! Well, I didn't have a good tolerance for beer and, with that added shot of whiskey, I quickly became very drunk. The “kindly gentleman” seemed to become extremely entertained and he just kept buying me more. People-pleaser that I was, I couldn't be impolite by refusing them, even though my head began to spin and I seemed to be fading in and out of consciousness.

Some hours after the designated pickup time, my sales manager finally showed up. He was also wildly drunk and, even though it was early in the morning, he insisted we go back to close my sale. We arrived at my prospect's home, but the lights were out. That didn't deter my determined sales manager. He started shouting toward their bedroom from the driveway. The disgruntled husband appeared at the bedroom window and curtly stated, “If you want the sale that much, come back tomorrow!”

My head was still spinning when we arrived back at the office, but I had to get home, right? So, I staggered to my car and I somehow managed to stay on the road for that drunken drive home. The next morning I awoke with a terrific hangover. There was no way I could even raise my head up, so blinding was my headache.

My mother showed me no sympathy as I groaned from my bed. I also knew there was no way I was going into my job that day or on any other day for that matter. I'd had enough! I quit my job and thus ended my door-to-door sales career. Fortunately or not my drinking career had only just begun!

Humor in My Life --- Part 9 - Dogs and Cats oh My!

I had a client who I'll call Joe. Joe was an eccentric character who had a wild imagination! Truth be told, he was as delusional and hallucinatory as any I'd ever known. He was paranoid and he also had some deep-rooted sexual issues.

Even though the Cold War was over, Joe believed that the Russians and the CIA were spying on him. He would work himself up into a frenzy of pure terror. That was not funny. What was funny was that he believed there were kids in the attic who did kinky sexual things to him and that there was an ape in his basement.

The kids in the attic would come down when Joe was in the bathroom where they would fondle him and insert devices into his orifices. Joe maintained that he was not gay, but he had little that was good to say about gay people. Let's just say that he had a certain fascination with his anus. As a gay man myself, who was I to judge?

Joe had a houseful of dogs and cats. All of the animals would talk to him. They told him that he was the baby Jesus. Joe was therefore very interested in anything to do with Jesus and he had a born again outlook. Doesn't that make sense since he was the baby Jesus come back to earth in the body of a grown man!

Woe be to anyone who he met outside of his house on a bad day. He particularly didn't like black people and he went so far as to prove he was a lily white as the daylight. He would sprinkle his face with baby powder so that he looked like a ghost. Then he would walk outside his house and scream racial slurs at bigger men than he who were as dark as the night. It's amazing that Joe was never beaten up or worse. Apparently his transient neighbors realized that Joe had some issues!

Joe also had a sister. The two of them were more dysfunctional than Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence in Mama's Family. They would have screaming matches that could raise the roof. Even so, they maintained that they loved each other before they would go back at it again.

Yes, it's true. Joe was another of my most unforgettable characters!

Do not forget to buy the book and start your wild adventure full of laughter!

"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"

Humor in My Life --Part 10--Bowel Fumes

Dementia can be a sad thing, but it does contain dozens of humorous moments. Such was the case with the “bowel fumes” lady who I'll call Emma Mae.

Emma Mae had a strange delusion that her upstairs neighbors were sending what she called bowel fumes down into her apartment. Perhaps it was the industrious and flatulent little boy from my book, The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude. He was named Fartley Dinkledorf.

Fartley was well-named. He took a perverse pleasure in passing gas. God only knows, Emma Mae, had an extremely sensitive nose and she smelled farts wherever she went within her apartment.

Poor Emma Mae! This little old lady who would weave and wobble around in her high heels and negligee didn't have a clue. She was going to be headed to the Sunnyside of the Street Adult Home. That was a place where they knew how to deal with happy wanderers.

Emma Mae would frequently put herself at risk because she would wander from her apartment and get lost. At least, there were few bowel fumes in the fresh air of the outdoors. Just wait until the day that I came to fetch her to move to her new home. Emma Mae had another plan in mind!

When that day came, I asked Emma Mae where her suitcase was. She demurely answered, “Give me a few minutes to finish packing.” Then she left me on her deck while I patiently waited.

Minutes ticked by and I began to wonder what had happened to Emma Mae. I called out to her, but there wasn't a response. Upon investigating, it appeared that she had left the premises.

I walked out onto the deck where I caught a glimpse of her disappearing into the forest behind her building, dressed only in a nightgown. I hightailed it after her, but she had the advantage. She was on a mission to disappear into the cloak of the forest.

I vainly searched in the woods for a half an hour before I gave up. It was now time for me to take some definitive action. I called the cops.

They took me very seriously when I told them about how Emma Mae easily became lost. Not five minutes later, a helicopter was circling overhead. Poor Emma Mae! She was finally spotted down by the railroad tracks. Perhaps she thought that she was going to jump on a train.

I met the police who had caught up with my damsel in distress. It was now time for Emma Mae to head for the sunny side of the street.

I only saw Emma Mae one more time. By then, she didn't recognize me any more. She had still been up to her old tricks, trying to escape from Sunnyside every chance she got. That was all right. Sunnyside was used to these types of antics. She never got very far.

Emma Mae had finally gotten over her delusions about bowel fumes. She had also long forgotten the helicopter episode. Perhaps I had her mysterious neighbors in mind when I created the character of Fartley Dinkledorf.

That makes for hilarious reading when you tickle your fancy with Misadventures.