It wasn't easy, but I chose not to pick up a drink one day at a time. I attended as many as four AA meetings a day for the first few months. The problem was that I had another addiction that picked up speed. That was my long-time sexual addiction.
After my late night AA meeting, I would cruise the streets and continue to have multiple anonymous sexual encounters that frequently involved unsafe sex. Mind you, this was long before there were drugs available that could help keep HIV disease in check. I was playing Russian Roulette. The chances were that I would expose myself to the virus. What terrified me was that I would bring it home to my partner. Guilt, shame, and remorse became themes that only continued to propel me back into that addiction.
Even so, I was on a high as I began to see God working in other areas of my life. Within a few weeks, I was relieved of the compulsion to drink. That seemed to be a miracle and it was! God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. Yet, I had no idea where to turn to for help with my sexual addiction.
I decided to go to a rehab even though my drinking was no longer a problem. I chose one for gay people that also said they would deal with sexual addiction. That didn't happen to be the case.
I did have a wonderful psychiatrist while there. She asked me a pointed question about my first depression. What she wanted to know was did I feel like I was crazy at that time. I responded by saying that I thought I had been going crazy as my mother had done many years before. She did not prescribe any medication even though the staff kept sending me back to her. My primary problem seemed to be that I was withdrawing from acting out sexually.
I returned home even more depressed than before. I still had not been able to receive any help with my sexual addiction and the craving was still there as before. Sanity would only begin to come when I finally found my way to Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Finally, I began to find periods of freedom from my long-ingrained behaviors. It wasn't easy and I often slipped. The difference was that I now had tools and people to support me.
Unfortunately, I only stayed with the program for about a year and a half. Something came along that swept me off my feet and into the outer stratosphere. That was my first full blown mania. I left the program after a prolonged period of delusional and paranoid thinking. I was afraid that the other members would try to get me committed to a mental hospital.
At first, it felt wonderful. I felt as if everything in the universe was speaking to me. My energy levels were tremendous and I could handle almost anything. I became very creative and began to write poetry. Then the delusions began.
As paranoia and anger took hold of me, my partner became afraid. He moved out without saying a word. He didn't want me to know where he went.
I somehow managed to work, but in my off hours I was as high as a kite. My life began to become a shambles. My house became a total mess. I was deteriorating into a state of sheer madness.
Author Davis Aujourd'hui
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