Sunday, August 21, 2011

Part 1 Locked in the Closet

I am a gay man. Wow! It took me a long time to admit that! There had been so much shame involved. Here is my story about how I found the key to open the closet door. Eventually I walked through it; but, for many years, I was locked in the closet. It was a closet of shame.

I always felt like I was different from most other boys. I didn't know much of what that was about. I did know that I seemed to be more sensitive than them. I seemed to feel more comfortable around girls and I enjoyed many of the things that girls liked to do. It's not that I didn't like boys or stereotypical boy activities. I was simply more drawn toward lighthearted play, music, theater, and art than I was toward sports or playing war games.

I did enjoy playing sports with my long as they remained friendly and not too competitive. When the heat was on, I became spastic. In school, I was often one of the last ones picked to be on the team. I allowed that to make me feel like I was a failure.

I was sexual with myself from a very early age. My fantasies always involved other boys, though I had no idea what that was about. I may have been sexually abused as a child. That's what my therapist believes to have happened. I've experienced flashbacks about possible sexual abuse and I have accused an adult to whom I was close as a child of having abused me.

When I was nine, I was seduced by some older boys. This led to an obsession about having sex with other boys. I eventually sexualized many of my male friendships. Somehow I believed that what I was doing was wrong and I felt ashamed.

I'm not sure when I first heard the words “homosexual,” “queer,” or “fag.” I do know that what I heard about these people was always disparaging. I heard stories about how they liked to dress up and play women. I heard that they liked to molest young boys. Whatever stereotypes I bought into, I couldn't relate to them. This led me to believe that I couldn't possibly be gay.

Aside from that, I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be what I perceived to be normal. I wanted to grow up and marry. I wanted to have children. I couldn't understand why that couldn't happen. I easily fell in love with girls and had fantasies about someday marrying one of them. The only problem was that I never had a single sexual thought about them. Somehow, deep inside, I knew that I was gay. I also knew that I didn't want to be “that way.”

Author Davis Aujourd'Hui
Sister Mary Olga Book Series

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