I came to believe that homosexuality was a sin and I knew what that word meant by the time I was a young teen. I became more and more frightened at the prospect that I might be that way. All the while, I continued to be sexual with other boys. As we grew older, the other boys became less interested.
I promised myself that I wouldn't be sexual with them after the age of sixteen. I believed that, if I could do that, I wouldn't turn out to be a queer. Yet, when that time came, I still wanted to be sexual with boys...desperately so! Even so, I kept true to my promise to myself. Instead of being sexual with others, I became even more compulsively sexual with myself. I would fuel my fantasies with euphoric recall of days gone by. Secretly I wanted to become sexual with boys again, but I didn't know where to find any gay fellows with whom I could do so. I certainly didn't want to risk exposure.
More importantly, I didn't want my family to know my deep, dark secret. I was afraid that they would be disgusted and that they wouldn't love me anymore. I didn't have faith in myself or in their love for me. It was a sad and lonely time. There was absolutely no one with whom I felt safe to confide about my concerns.
I kept all of my feelings to myself and I felt consumed with self-hatred. I also couldn't understand why God would make me that way. I prayed that He would make me normal...whatever that meant and whatever that took.
Author Davis Aujourd'Hui
Sister Mary Olga Book Series
Book #1 "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"
Book #2 "Babes in Bucksnort"
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