Saturday, August 27, 2011

Part 4 Locked in the Closet

I lost my virginity to a girl when I was twenty. I had been desperate to do so since the time I had been seventeen. I thought to myself, “Better late than never.” Unfortunately it did little to stop my homosexual fantasies and longing.

I found a steady girlfriend the following year and we began an ongoing romantic and sexual relationship. I proposed to her during the following year. I wanted so very much to be normal and to marry. I believed that I loved her. I hoped that, by marrying her, it would put my curse to bed for good. That was not to be.

I had graduated from college the year before I proposed. I went away to grad school, leaving my girlfriend who was still in college behind. We would have occasional reunions. Yet, while I was living on my own for the first time, my longings for sex with men became incredible cravings. I thought as if I was coming out of my skin.

I met a homosexual when I had been looking for an apartment. He told me he didn't want me as a roommate because he didn't want one who was gay. I was flabbergasted! How could he have possibly known? He planted a seed when he suggestively said, “Give me a call when you move into your own place and we can get together.”

When I moved to my new apartment, I often thought about calling him. Many times I would pick up the phone and dial the number only to slam the phone down before the call went through. I was in a panic and I didn't know what to do. I felt dirty and ashamed. I just wanted to die.

Within a month, I was desperate and horribly depressed. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork. I felt like a failure. I began to think that the only way out would be to end my life. Fortunately I reached out for help from a counselor. Afterward I made the decision to drop out of school.

With my head hung in shame, I packed up my apartment and headed to my parents' home. I felt like my life was over, but I felt safer now that I was away from temptation. The only thing that I thought would save me from a fate worse than death would be to get married. The other fate to which I referred would be to live my life as a homosexual.

Author Davis Aujourd'Hui

Sister Mary Olga Book Series:

"The Misadventures  of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)

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