Having endured debilitating depressions for over twelve years, they were now much milder in comparison once I began on the road to recovery. I would eventually realize that I needed psychiatric help once I had stopped medicating myself with booze and sex. An amazingly unimaginable and unmanageable experience with mania finally convinced me that I needed medical help.
During that mania, I had some of the most incredible experiences with synchronicity. People I would think of would appear in my life. Complete strangers would be drawn to me and say things like “We've been waiting for you. How glad we are that you are finally here!”
There was also fear and paranoia. Once again my partner left me for he feared for his own safety. My moods could become volatile and filled with rage when I was not floating on my pink cloud. Life became incredibly unmanageable. Even so, there were so many moments of sublime peace. It was as if I was alternating between an experience of heaven and hell. Most of it was good. Most of it seemed like a reality so much more real than “the normal” experience of being human. I truly realized that I was a spiritual being having a human experience.
I was finally diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and put on life-saving, sanity-saving medication that following year - I shall write about my experiences with recovery from alcoholism and mental illness in future articles. The pitfall following my mania was that I left my recovery programs in the midst of delusional paranoia.
I did not return to them because I was mortified to face people who had seen me when I had been madder than a hornet or acting holier than Thou. Isolating myself from my support system only served to punish myself. Fortunately, I did not pick up a drink again, but I went back into my sexual addiction with a vengeance.
For the next twelve years I was back in the trenches of sexual addiction. During that time, my soul withered as I began to lead a life filled with lies and deception – to myself and others. I became emotionally stunted since I was once again medicating myself with the most potent drug I had ever experienced; that was the chemistry which occurred within my brain whenever I was under the influence of the hunt for sex and the oblivion of acting out my unending desires.
You can read my story about my sexual addiction and subsequent recovery in my article entitled My Secret Shame. Fortunately I made it back to SAA unlike so many others who don't return or never make it there in the first place. Sexual addiction is rampant in our society, especially among gay men.
I was blessed. I took my recovery seriously this time. I realized that, while I didn't come back into the program in a state of despair, I had become apathetic and spiritually bankrupt. Recovery opened my eyes to my spirit in a manner that would only continue to help me climb the mountain and claim a grace that I had forgotten was always available. It was up to me to grab for it.
As I did so, amazing things began to happen. Like anything connected to spirit, there are spiritual laws operating in the universe. You do not have to believe in God. All one needs to do is to embrace the idea that there is a power in the universe that is greater than oneself. Embracing faith in God was not a difficult step for me.
What would become a challenge would be to once again embrace my relationship with Jesus. The reason for this may amaze you. You see, while I had been manic, I had was under the delusion that I was the reincarnation of Jesus; or rather that he was the reincarnation of me. After all, time as we perceive it in a linear fashion is said to be an illusion. That is something I believe to be true. It was a comfort to me that other people I have known have shared similar religious delusional experiences. In some of their experiences they also believed that they were the reincarnation of Jesus. Just like always, I was not alone.
Author Davis Aujourd'hui
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