I thought that I had burst out of the closet, but internalized homophobia is an insidious thing. It's all too easy to take on the negative judgments of others in this often bigoted society within which we live. I had come a long way, but I still felt uncomfortable letting my new coworkers know that I was gay; that is, until I got to know them much better.
The other part of my self-loathing came from my secret shame. Although I had pledged to be monogamous to my new partner, my old sneaky behaviors would soon surface. Lies and deception would only serve to sweep me under a dark current of despair. It would be the fodder for bouts of often suicidal depressions that would consume me over the next seven years until I finally put down the drink.
One of the most liberating experiences in our early relationship was attending our first Gay Pride parade in New York City. Along with half a million other gay men and lesbians, we walked down the streets of Manhattan holding hands. My spirit soared and, for that moment in time, I felt free.
My partner was a social worker and I soon joined the ranks of human services. That became one more thing we had in common. What neither of us realized was that we had been defining ourselves through exterior things such as our occupations, our sexualities, and the opinions of others. That especially translated to our opinions of each other.
I was making myself into what I thought he would want me to be. The confounding part was that I couldn't let go of my sexual addiction. What I have come to learn is that the basis for all addictions is codependency. Codependent was indeed what my partner and I were with one another. To the outside world and our ever-increasing circle of gay friends, we seemed like the ideal couple.
Life was good most of the time, but each of us was becoming increasingly dependent upon alcohol in addition to each other. We spent most of our time together. It felt nice, but it would become a set up for resentments later on. We spent our time together and with friends, but we didn't pursue individual outside interests.
Dysfunctional though we were, we seemed to be happy. It may not have been everything, but it was enough to sustain us. After all, we were on an uncharted journey toward unknown destinations. We were simply travelers on the sea of life. Thank God, we both had a willingness to explore what life was meant to be!
Books and Kindles by Author David Aujourd hui (these two below are at a special price on Kindle for $2.99)
"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" Book 1
"Babes in Bucksnort" Book 2
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